Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
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Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I needed a laugh this morning.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.