Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
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If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy