OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
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Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Don’t forget to tip your server
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Oops I deleted….
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael