Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
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I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.