Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
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“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
So sick of all these stupid rules
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.