Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
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Why is this me 😫
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me