Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
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Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
The Backseat Boys
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
If looks could kill
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.