Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
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Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
12653.