“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
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Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Growing out my freckles.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
this has done me in for some reason
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.