OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
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Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Science memes
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?