Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
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My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
the red hot silly peppers
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly