Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
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I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing