banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
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They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Pigeon open mic night.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.