“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
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If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
When libraries troll their patrons.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.