[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
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I really had high hopes for this year though
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Had an epiphany today.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.