Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
You Might Also Like
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Ironic
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
just gave your address to some spiders
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.