Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
This took me a second..
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31