@mollymcnearney: Okay body wash, unless you're caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the "energizing" claims. You're soap.
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@truegritrumble: (Halloween Costume Shop) ME: *leaving after not finding anything* CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren't free, buddy.
@kumailn: "Count down to zero silently with your fingers and then do a fist pump." - SWAT manual on breaking down doors
@Fred_Delicious: "son, I've had to throw my golf socks out" "Why dad? cos you got... A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA" "No son. I killed a man. They're covered in blood"
@JesKeepSwimming: Sorry I can't make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten "people" to ppl in a text this morning and now I'm totally behind schedule.