@WittySassBasket: 'What just cracked?' A guide to aging.

@crushingbort: one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought "oh the horse is trained for stairs" and then they both fell

@cool_as_heck: Boy: I wish more girls liked farming Girl: I like farming Boy: Lol oh yeah? Name the 5 most water-efficient irrigation systems of the 1980s

@murrman5: *opens fortune cookie* there's rice on your face *grabs wifes and opens it* still there *grabs one from next table* I can do this all night

@toomanytoes: Evil villain: I've been expecting you. *Swivels around in swivel chair* *Superhero runs over & spins chair faster* Evil villian: WEEEEE!