Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
You Might Also Like
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”