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@thedayofthedot: okay, i admit it. you're wrong.
@JimmerThatisAll: You can't choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
@AmberTozer: Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can't believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
@curlycomedy: Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
@KBChicken75: Just choked on a apple...
Bet a brownie wouldn't have done that..
@bafeldman: *jk rowling wakes up* what’s today’s tweet *spins large bingo cage* hagrid… is… pansexual and… he later joined isis