okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
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😂😂
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.