OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
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I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed