Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
You Might Also Like
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I hate when that happens.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
i made a craigslist ad !
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.