@TheToddWilliams: Okay, I'm still confused...
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@FancyNancyAnn: I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
@SF_incognito: You (normal person, can make small talk): I like your name Me (awkward af, says stupid shit constantly): thanks it was a birthday present
@Parkerlawyer: My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
@david8hughes: [at ultrasound] Nurse: there it is. There's your baby Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees