@Lhlodder: Okay, kids, listen closely cause I'm only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
@AnkCoupleTO: Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
@BruceForce: I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling]
She thinks I'm stupid
"He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex"
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
@awordforaword: If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
@E_lok44: I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don't get it, eyebrow ladies, I don't get it.