Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
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One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.