Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
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It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!