okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
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i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Kermit goes Blue.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
oh you wanna fight?!
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
omg leave her alone
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?