okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
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“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I wish I were this cool 😂
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse