Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
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waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
and this one
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.