@KenJennings: Okay, vampires are invisible in mirrors, I totally get that. But, come on, their clothes?!? #science
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@MartaEffing: A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else.
@NotthatAdamWest: The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I'll play mine.
@sad_tree: *sees guy ordering pizza* "With onion" (Ok) "Sausage" (Nice) "Mushroom" (Hell yea) "Chk" (Plz) "Meatballs" (Why) "Anchovies" (Ur dead to me)
@RandomlyMJ: My exes new girlfriend has been calling me looking for him for days. It got old. I gave in and sent her the map and shovel.