I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
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In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.