Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
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Grandmother clock.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Brother?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.