@LosLos__: I once loaded the dishwasher so perfect that THIS IS HIS WIFE. HE'S LYING TO YOU!

@abhorrent_wife: There is no amount of money I wouldn't pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

@BiIIMurray: I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

@The_Sculptress: If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

@shkeeber: Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.