@SortaSarcastic: Okay you guys, I'm gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
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@liz_buckley: People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They're not laughing now because it was ages ago.
@LackOfShame: [their last appetizer] Her: I don't want it. You have it. Him: I don't want it either, you... Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
@realHamOnWry: My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don't eat ice cream for supper tonight.
@SteveSuckington: Van Gogh's girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear Him: cuts ear off Her: I just wanted u to listen to me Him: nah, I'm good