Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
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THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)