Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
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funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you