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Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”