Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
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Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!