@FallonTonight: Beware of the "party goblin"...

@Coastiefish: My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device in Florida. I call it "No air conditioning".

@whereami18: A woman just asked me to "unpark her car" and now I'm searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

@TheBoydP: I'd rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink...

@weinerdog4life: Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.