Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
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How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.