@MsSouthernStems: The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.

@jake_likes_naps: HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

@Sassafrantz: Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!

@Reverend_Scott: "So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?" [pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs] ...I love to help animals.

@SergioValenCo: If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors