@retardedwriter: Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
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@DamienFahey: Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?
@KalvinMacleod: [restaurant] WAITER: And to drink? ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi. WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what.. *waiter spontaneously combusts*
@LoveNLunchmeat: Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.