Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
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Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
😂💯
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
boat question
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.