Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
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The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
oh u like geography? name every lake
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!