Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
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STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
My Guy
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
need him
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
monday
sry
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew