[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
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When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
tell em, edith-anne
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.