[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
You Might Also Like
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
May never get over this
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??