Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
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A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.