I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
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Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Cat.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
drew a comic about my origin story
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*