If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
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Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.