They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
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In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Its true…
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
The point of your 20s
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break