[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
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“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video