Money is the root of all wealth
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If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?