[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
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Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
welp
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished