old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
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“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
it must be school picture day
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Gods work.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
That’s fair
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.