old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
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Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I’m aging like a fine banana
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear